It all started when I first arrived in the United States in May 2018, I came from Portugal, in the Azores Islands. I was 16 years old when I came to the USA. When I first arrived my parents had to work and I sat at home alone because the school year was almost over and I would not start until September. Here in the USA, my parents were able to afford to buy me a smartphone. Stuck at home, I downloaded Instagram and began to spend a lot of time on social media.

It was at that point that I began to pay attention to my body. On Instagram I began looking a lot at the accounts of my friends and celebrities. I was noticing their bodies, their clothing, their hairstyles, their lifestyles. I started comparing their bodies to mine. I would glance in the mirror and see things that had seen things that I had never seen. In Portugal, friends had told me I was beautiful, but now I felt that my body was not beautiful. The women I followed on Instagram were younger than me, had nicer bodies, bigger chests, bigger butts, nicer faces, nicer bellies, nicer hair. It made me feel negative and sad.

But finally, in September I enrolled in high school, and I stopped paying as much attention to these feelings of self-esteem, because I was worried about how to make friends, speaking English, how I was going to get good grades. With these new worries I got distracted and didn't think about my body for a while.

That winter I started dating. When my boyfriend and I went out to dinner, or on trips, or even to the mall I began having jealous tantrums in my mind. I would pass a prettier woman in front of us, and I felt like I wasn't pretty or good enough. I attempted to avoid leaving the house or going out with a large group of friends because I was afraid of comparing myself to others. I often cried at night because I didn't feel good about myself. I stopped wearing my tight clothes and started wearing baggy clothes because it didn't feel good to see my body.

I became so tired of thinking these negative thoughts about myself. After months I found the motivation to start taking care of my mental and physical health. My boyfriend was very supportive, he always told me that I was beautiful and not to compare myself with others. I realized I needed to love myself more the way I am.

In August 2019, I joined the school volleyball team. Starting when I was seven years old, I played volleyball in Portugal. It has always been a kind of therapy for me. But I didn’t play for a year when I first arrived in the USA. Finally I joined the school team. I signed up for a gym and started eating healthy. Exercise made me feel good. I was taking care of my mental and physical health, which made me stop thinking all my bad thoughts. But it was quite difficult at first. With a lot of effort I made myself open my eyes and start accepting my body. I finally felt happy to be fighting for myself.

To help my self-esteem I decided to color my hair and cut it short. But I wanted to make a big change so I decided to get my first tattoo in 2021. I got a huge floral tattoo on my arm. The tattoo made me see my body differently. I got three more tattoos that year. Each has meaning: “Live the moment” written on my shoulder, because I have learned to concentrate on the present. “You are art” on my back, our bodies are one-of-a-kind. Three butterflies on my torso, a symbol of transformation, change, renewal, protection and good energies.

I have learned that we shouldn't compare ourselves with other people, we should love the way we are, our body is a unique piece of art.

© Mariana. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.