Growing up in the age of social media, it’s easy to buy into the pretense that everyone around you is living a perfect life. A list of impossible standards is placed upon us from society and we live thinking our worth should be based on how many of those boxes we tick. When I was younger, I had very unrealistic expectations for my future. I wanted so badly to have the “perfect body”. In fifth grade I started dieting, not realizing these next few years would be such a crucial time for my body to develop and food was a major factor contributing to that development. My desire for thinness accelerated after watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Seeing the models in all their glory, with toned bodies and completely flat stomachs shaped my perception of how a female body should look. That view still haunts me today.

It’s completely normal for teenage girls to feel insecure about their bodies. It’s showcased by many coming-of-age movies, but I’ve only recently discovered that the intensity of my insecurities isn’t healthy for my mental well-being. Although it felt normal to me, these habits and thoughts interfered with my daily life and I never realized how toxic they were until I expressed those feelings to my friends.

One impact is the inability to concentrate on homework. That statement seemingly has no correlation to an eating disorder but oftentimes, my thoughts on how I feel in my body at a certain moment overshadows any motivation to be productive. All I can focus on is how my stomach feels when I sit and how it may appear to others. I take sharp breaths and the need to suck in my stomach until it hurts completely takes over. A wave of self-hatred overwhelms me and I feel in a way, trapped in my body. It’s difficult to express this feeling in words, but it is so powerful--one of the worst feelings in the world. I could honestly go on and on about the other subtle ways my daily life is affected by my body issues, but that’s beside the point. There was a time when I realized this isn’t how most people think or act. Most people can sit down or stand up or walk around without instinctively sucking in everything. Most people don’t deem skinny as strictly having absolutely nothing to grab at the torso. I was so shocked when my friends found this mindset toxic because to my stubborn self, it was only the truth; anyone who doesn’t have a body fit to walk the runway isn’t skinny.

Thankfully, I’ve grown so much since then and I owe it all to my amazing support systems. My friends have helped immensely in building my self-esteem and realizing that “your body does not determine your self-worth”. Getting input from others also made me acknowledge all the stress and discomfort I’m inflicting upon myself, and as a result, I’m trying as hard as I can to get rid of the toxic views ingrained in my thoughts. Now, I’m working on my mental relationship with food by doing research. I’ve found that limiting food intake does not work in the long run, as it will work to slow down your metabolism and only increases the chance of binging. Eating the food I want makes me happy, as long as I eat in moderation, which is still a struggle. But my body will thank me for nourishing it rather than depriving it of necessary nutrients. If any of my struggles sound familiar to your life at all, I strongly encourage you to speak out, even if it may be embarrassing. I personally hate talking about my feelings, but for your own good, pride should never go above your health.

© Katelyn. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.