I remember in kindergarten that I would get very excited when my teacher would announce that we had coloring or drawing projects. I also remember this other kid in my class who really liked drawing pandas. But that’s it. Just pandas. And just because of that he was labeled the “class artist.” I was jealous. I was into drawing as much as he was and I never got any recognition. No one ever, ever called me the class artist.

In 4th grade I told myself I was going to become an artist. There was also this girl in my class, we’re going to call her Sam. She was also really into art. I had never met anyone who was seriously into art before, and this inspired me to draw even more whenever she was around. I had an obsession with bunnies and I would doodle them on all my classwork assignments. We were both into anime too and we would always draw our favorite anime characters. This was the first time I clicked with someone over art and it felt so amazing.

But then 5th and 6th grade came along and for the first time I started feeling jealous of Sam. Sam’s art was becoming better and better and I felt like I wasn’t improving at all. And I knew she was my friend and I shouldn’t have felt like that, but I did. It got so bad to the point where I only drew to compete with her. I only ever felt good about my art when I saw that what I created was better than hers. And at some point I started to feel as though my art was never good to begin with, and art wasn’t fun for me anymore. I thought art was just a silly child’s dream. Near the end of 6th grade I decided not to draw anymore.

In 8th grade, after a year-long break, I started to miss art. A lot. I found that taking a break from art made me forget the negative feelings I had. And I felt inspired to draw, as if it was calling to me.

But I was still self-conscious about what I produced. I was drawing again, but I wasn’t showing anyone. I was scared of what others would say. And I was scared that I would start drawing for the satisfaction of others rather than for myself. I hated feeling this way.

In 9th grade I decided that in order to get over this fear, I created an art instagram account. I would post random doodles and colored drawings I would make. I kept this a secret from anyone I knew in real life. So, my art was only shown to random people online. But, I found that posting my art online and being able to receive positive comments on what I’ve made and being able to chat with others who were also into art just felt so right. And I was finally able to see what I was missing out on. I realized that the fear that I possessed was really holding me back from being happy with what I enjoyed doing.

Now I am in 11th grade, and I’m finally able to draw in front of people. I think it’s because of the Instagram account. Now when I see people’s creations, I find myself inspired rather than jealous. Feeling jealous made me forget who I was. I couldn’t be happier with who I’ve become on my journey as an artist.

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