I used to hate my brother to the point that I wished he could disappear from my life. I hated how he was smarter than me, which gave him the right to judge me. I hated how he always bullied me like poking me constantly and annoying me by telling me I’m stupid because I am shorter and younger than him, and I hated how he gets to sit in the front seat of the car, while I am cramped in the back.

As the second child, I am constantly told that “you should listen to whatever your brother tells you to do, because they are older and know more than you” or “don’t fight with your brother because he is always right”. I couldn't agree more, but what I could never stand was that no matter what I did, no one would see it because my brother stole my light.
Few years ago, before my brother left for college, my family and I were in the elevator. We met a neighbor, who lived below us. She walked in and began talking, without hesitation, to my parents.“Is this your son? He looks so handsome and tall; he must be at least 180 cm. Is he going to college very soon? He must have made his parents proud.”

It has been so long that I could not remember the first time this had happened, where my brother was always the one getting all the compliments from parents, teachers or even strangers. I was stunned and annoyed at the same time because she did not even say anything about me like I was not even there in the elevator. I might have made too much fuss about this, but to me, having been in this kind of situation numerous times, I know what it feels like to be pushed to the side.

Not long after my brother graduated from TAS, he went to America for college. I get to do anything I want without being judged by someone. I got what I wanted, but I wasn’t happy. What could I have wanted more than this? I began going to school by myself, riding the taxi alone and waiting at the side gate. I realized that the feeling of emptiness, the missing piece in me, was the times I used to spend with my brother. In the days without him, I started to understand that the hate I used to feel was just me being selfish and childish. In our family, my brother is the only male, so all the responsibilities and pressure go to him. He is smarter because he works very hard on exceeding my dad’s expectations. He sits in the front seat because he is learning how to drive and memorizing how driving on the road works.

I remembered that my mom used to say that I was the lucky one and that I should be lucky that I have a brother like this, because my brother was like an experiment rat that tests each pathway for me. He is always the one trying to figure out which paths are best for me, so when I don’t have to suffer like he did.

Since we are so far apart, we haven’t been able to talk as much as we used to, the only way we communicate is through FaceTime. Because of the time difference, my parents and I had to wake up early to call him before he goes to sleep. There was not much to say, but about what we have been doing or how school life was. Even though he is on the other side of the Earth, he still calls me to give me suggestions on how to find a good college for me. Maybe that isn’t a big deal to others but it is to me. Maybe I wasn’t hiding in his shadow but being protected.

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