In 7th grade, I had just broken up with my “boyfriend.” I wanted to show people that I’m fine, I’m ok, I’m tough, so I threw on jeans, a leather jacket, a studded bracelet, dark eyeliner and lipstick. At the time I only would wear this stuff when I was in a mood, but I secretly loved it! Eventually, I started to embrace it; I dove headfirst into this style. I begged my mom to let me shave the left side of my head and she let me. I was ecstatic, but I often got strange looks and off-handed comments. My favorite comment was one given to me by my former best friend’s mom. She hated my side shave. When I asked for her opinion she said, “I don’t like it. It don’t look good,” while sticking her nose up at me. I didn’t care. I loved my style!

However, there was always one downfall: people would often mistake me for a guy. If it was to hurt me or a genuine mistake, I will never know for sure, but I always figured it had something to do with my style and maybe that I’ve never acted super “girly.” As my mom, who also was a “rocker chick,” said, “You know Dana, people may mistake you for a boy or call you one just to hurt you. It happened to me!” At the time I was ok with that. I was a 5th grader who liked being “one of the guys,” and I felt that way until 8th grade. However, it made me confused about my gender. “Am I a boy?” was a question I asked myself for a long time.

Once I reached high school, I realized, yeah, I’m definitely a girl, but person after person—security guard, secretary, store employee—they all thought I was a guy. Students also made remarks, mostly to hurt me, like in 10th grade when I found out people were making fun of my body, calling me flat, supposedly to insult my ex. In response to the situation they said, “When you wear leathers all the time it’s kinda hard to see your curves.” All this made me think: does this mean I’m not curvy enough? …that I have a boyish figure? …that I’m not feminine enough? But all of these could be explained away. With the adults, it could’ve been an honest mistake. The masks during Covid, like mom said. With the students, those guys were just jerks, but there was one situation that scarred me. My former friend, the one from earlier, and I were talking about body shape, and I told them that I thought I was a pear and they said, “You’re actually a knife, I’m a pear though.” It wasn’t innocent; they meant it as an insult and it really hurt. It has taken me years to be able to see my real body shape after that.

I’ll still look in a mirror and see a knife; that comment messed with me. I don’t love my body, and my self-esteem sucks, but that’s ok. I’m working on it. So why did I stick with my style if it obviously harmed my self-esteem? Well, it also helped. I was able to find a way to embrace my femininity through my style, and that has built my confidence in a way I can’t explain. I’m also dating someone who embraces my style and has a similar one to mine, so I never have to worry because we bond through it. I actually “steal” some of his stuff that I think would look good on me. Don’t worry; it’s fair. He “steals” my stuff, too. In all seriousness, I have to thank him, because he has helped me become much more confident. Now I tell everyone I first meet, “I dress like a boy!” It doesn't bother me now. It’s actually kind of funny!

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