If you put a version of me without technology beside the me who has had a phone for a few years, I know I would be looking at an entirely different person.

I got my first phone when I was nine years old. I remembered feeling so buoyant. Initially I had tons of restrictions and rules following it, but it only took a few months for them to be lifted. If I could go back now, would I change anything?

The year Covid hit, I was in fifth grade. I remember that people thought I was weird. Although nobody really told me that directly, I could tell by the way people looked at me and how others avoided me. I had just moved to a new school. Everything was different. It was already hard getting used to my surroundings, but now I had to learn how to deal with people glaring at me and laughing whenever I messed up a question.

I wished that I could swap places with younger me. I wanted to talk with my classmates that would always laugh and compliment each other in the hallway and to do those TikTok dances that started getting popular with the girls at school, but I kept to myself. I started picking up unhealthy habits. I was too scared to raise my hand in class, I was afraid to talk to people, I was afraid to ask for help, and I never tried new things.

When Covid first hit, I started to really immerse myself in social media. Even though I was only ten, I remember it being really easy to bypass the age rules. I specifically remember TikTok. I remember making an account and scrolling through my “For You” page. I easily became addicted. I scrolled for hours every day. My sleep schedule was ruined, and I started to immerse myself in the online world.

The thing that affected me the most was Tiktok. It turned me into a completely different person. I was excited to go back to school because I was like everyone else now. I remember how that mindset spread like a virus. I sometimes think about how this was another, hidden, virus that instead of making you sick on the outside, it made you sick on the inside.

The summer before seventh grade is when Tiktok started getting grotty. Death threats were becoming more frequent and normalized, and people even started posting illegal activity and got millions of likes. Many people harassed others online. People on Tik Tok would say “If you wear this” or “if you do this, then you’re ______”, and it was never nice things. I'd look in the comments expecting people to disagree, but instead they were completely agreeing. As a twelve-year-old, I was a people pleaser, so I always listened to those videos. I didn't want to be seen as weird again.

Going back to the question “Would I change anything?’ I think it's very arduous. I tend to think about the past a lot, especially this question. I find myself trying to figure out what I could've done differently, but now I think this question is pointless.

The only thing I can change now is the present. I feel like the past is the most important part of who I am now and who I’ll be in the future. I have friends who share similar interests, and they don't wear me down. I've also ventured into the productive side of social media.

We need technology to do modern things today, such as getting information from far away. However, using social media too much can affect you mentally. If we balance interactions online and in person, I feel as though it would help a person grow as a person, especially for teens coming of age.

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