As a child you don’t really think much of your appearance, you just run around playing with no worries in the world. But as you get older, you start to feel different about yourself and your body changes.

I believe I started getting chubby at the age of eight. I didn’t think much of it, but my family would constantly tell me things like “You need to slow down” while I was eating, or they would say things like “You need to go on a diet and start exercising”. They didn’t say these things to hurt my feelings or be rude, but sometimes I was hurt by these words and I would feel bad for myself. I began to feel sad and worthless. I felt fat and ugly and I felt like I could never lose weight and have a “Better body.”

Growing up people often told me, “It’s just baby fat, it’ll go away,” and I would take advantage of that and eat whatever I wanted, thinking “It’s just baby fat, it’ll go away.” But I was getting older, so was it really “baby fat” if I wasn’t a baby anymore? I became insecure about so many things. I would feel very uncomfortable wearing certain things like dresses for special occasions because I knew my stomach would pop out. Some shirts and jeans made me feel fatter, and in the summer I wouldn’t want to wear a bathing suit without wearing shorts on top or maybe a towel wrapped around me. I just felt disgusting. There was this one time at the age of 15, I was in the clothing store, Rainbow, with my mom and I was looking for something cute to wear. They mostly had clothes for small, petite girls like every other store that sells clothing. This made me upset and I started to tear up. I felt like in order for me to look good, I had to be skinny. I feel like they only have good looking clothes for skinny girls in local stores and rarely anything for plus sized girls. This makes people feel even more insecure about themselves. I always said “I hate myself” and “I hate my body.” Some of my friends and family would call me “beautiful”, “thick”, and “pretty” for example, but I didn’t feel like any of those.

Some say “Just eat healthier and exercise” but they don’t realize that it isn’t easy. Change can be very hard. Just before I turned 17 I started getting these really bad migraines. I began feeling dizzy and nauseous all the time. It happened for a while and when I finally told my mom, she made me an appointment to get checked out. They did blood work and I was told I was borderline diabetic. I was given some pills for the migraines and I was told that I needed to see a nutritionist. This shocked me, even though they said I was only “borderline diabetic,” I was still scared that it could become worse.

I started to drink only water and to eat less junk food for a few weeks, but then I cheated and just gave up. But giving up made me feel mad at myself. I started realizing that I can choose to be happy and make life better for myself. I realized that life is too short and we only live once. I realized that when you lay around being sad, you miss so many opportunities in life.

That’s why I’m determined to lose weight. It’s not about getting skinny, but about getting healthy, improving my mental, physical and social health. I am working on loving myself and having more confidence in my beauty. This is still a work in progress. I am determined to be happy with who I am and I’m determined to live life to its fullest.

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