Did I lock all the doors?  How about the windows?  Am I sure I locked all the doors? Constant checks and re-checks seemed to define my life. Intrusive thoughts kept returning.  I didn’t know how to stop them.  I couldn’t stop them. Why were they there? What had I done to deserve this torment? Panic then set in, and I would have yet another meltdown.  I was a sixth grade girl, climbing trees and catching butterflies.  Life had been pretty normal for me.  However, I suddenly found myself repeatedly questioning whether or not I had accidentally caught my dog's head when closing the sliding door.  Of course, this never actually happened, but it didn’t matter.

There were other fears too.  At night, I would worry about all the possibilities of every imaginable scenario, realistic or not.  I even recall being worried that a shark would attack our house, even though I live two hours from the ocean! Yes, it was bizarre, but I couldn’t control my thoughts. Why did I suddenly begin to think this way? The fear was present, and it felt very real. I was living a nightmare, day and night.

I also repeatedly checked to make sure that the stove was off. Something I had never bothered to think about before now consumed my thoughts. I had no way of turning these thoughts off. I had no way of understanding reason or logic. For a fleeting moment, a glimpse of reality would pop into my head, and I would find my ideas entertaining. However, this awareness would quickly pass, and the hysteria returned.  Some days, I wondered if it was trauma due to the one time I left the burner on and my brother accidentally burned himself. But according to medical experts, this one mistake did not justify the amount of worry that I was experiencing. I struggled with fears like this for three years.

My parents knew something was wrong, since this was not typical behavior for me. However, it wasn't until I started seeing a series of doctors and received a diagnosis that I knew myself.  I visited the pediatrician, specialists, children's hospitals, and I had countless blood tests. I was eventually diagnosed with PANS, or Pediatric Acute Neuropsychiatric Syndrome. A core symptom of PANS is a sudden onset of OCD-like thoughts. This change in my thought patterns resulted from a prior infection, such as the flu or lymes. In short, PANS is a virus that causes inflammation in the brain.  I didn’t feel sick, like when I had a cold. I didn't even have a little sniffle. Rather my symptoms were all psychological. Finally, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. After many trials with different medications, the doctors discovered that Azythromycin, a common antibiotic for regular sicknesses, could fully heal my symptoms. Slowly but surely, I was on the mend.

Today I look back and wonder about those frightening days, and I can’t believe that I overcame such a trying experience. I think about other children in America, and how they may be struggling with PANS right now. They struggle, and parents don’t have answers for their scared children. It takes a highly trained pediatric specialist or psychiatrist to help. How can people like me be helped so these children don’t have to live a life in misery? Then I knew my answer. I realized that having this disease has led me to my future career: a psychologist! I want to help people and make them feel heard. I want to be a therapist and calm others' fears! I want to be someone's hero, as I have compassion for others with anxiety and want to support them as they overcome their struggles. Because who knows? Maybe someone will hear my story and be inspired too.

© Adelynn. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.