I love being alone and keeping to myself, but I hate when I feel like people choose to leave me alone because they don't care. Feeling like no one cares makes me feel alone and unwanted. I've always felt unwanted by my friends because they all have other friends that they would rather spend their time with. When I'm with them, it feels like they're forced to be with me when none of their other friends are around. It's like I am their second option. It feels like I am hanging out with them, instead of us hanging out together.

I always feel like I don't fit in with people at school or at least that's what the voice inside of my head wants me to believe. Feeling out of place is one of the worst things to me because I feel as if I can't even be myself. Sometimes, I feel like people expect me to be perfect. It's hard to not care about what others think because it seems like they wouldn't want to be around me if I was different from them. I always told myself that I wouldn't do things to get me in trouble just to fit in, but as I've gotten older, my mindset has changed. It's hard to admit that I really do care about what others think of me no matter how much I try to ignore it.

When I'm home, I feel like I'm never happy. I choose to be alone and I like that I can just be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, when I think about times I was happier, I can't tell whether I was happy or if it was an act. There was a time when I started pushing everyone away because I didn't know what else to do. I've never been the type of person to talk about how I feel. When people ask if I'm okay, I just smile and say yes because anyone could ask if I'm okay but not many people actually want to listen to what's actually wrong. I used to be more open about my feelings until I thought about how much people couldn't care less about what I felt. Even when someone listens to what I have to say, they still won't feel the same way I feel. Although I like being alone, I feel like people have left me alone.

I used to always be the “nice” one out of my sister and me. Once I started to prefer being alone, my family would tell me that I started to be the mean sister. My sister defends me and tells them to leave me alone because she understands. Even though my sister and I are not perfect, she has always been the person I could tell anything to. I may not always tell her how I feel but I know whenever I feel comfortable telling her she would never judge me. I love how she feels like she can tell me about things. I know other people don't have a good bond with their siblings so I would hate that to be us. She's helped me get out of a dark place without even trying. That's the best thing someone could do for a person. My sister has turned out to be someone I find happiness in.  I've never felt that comfortable with anyone else. So although I prefer to be alone, she will always be the one person in my life that I would let in before I shut everyone out. She will always be the light I look for when I'm in the dark.

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