My middle school years changed me. I went from being someone that cared about other people’s feelings to not caring that I hurt others. All I wanted was to fit in. I engaged in activities that I would never have imagined I would partake in. I became someone unrecognizable.

It was sometime in February 2020 when it first started. I was surrounded by the wrong people. People that would make fun of others and people that would encourage me to do illegal things. It honestly felt like that was the biggest trap I fell into. I was blinded by the way they were always supporting my worst ideas leading me into thinking they were the best. Things changed after the first time I was called into the principal’s office. I remember my mom and my older sister were called to the school. Seeing them both in the principal's office instead of being at work that day let me know I messed up.

My mom and older sister walked into the room and stayed quiet. I don't know if I would have preferred for them to just yell at me immediately or just continue to say nothing. The only words they told me were, “What did you do? And don't lie to me anymore” in a disappointed tone. I was so tired of crying and was completely numb when she asked that question. With my head down, the next words to come out of my mouth were, “I don't know”. I looked up to face my mom and my older sister whose eyes were filled with tears. Tears filled my eyes almost instantly. I immediately knew I had made selfish decisions without realizing who I was affecting. Through their tears, they asked me questions, and through my sobs, I answered each one with full honesty. I never meant to hurt them, I just wanted to fit in.

After they left, my school day continued. I was faced with my punishment and for my punishment, I had some type of community service like picking up trash in the boy’s P.E. field. After seeing them cry over my immature decisions, I felt like the worst person ever, and like picking trash was too light of a punishment. I felt like I needed a harsher punishment. This was all created because I felt like I would’ve lost my friends if I ended up saying I didn’t want to participate in an activity that could potentially get me in big trouble. This was the group I’d been searching for since the beginning of middle school. Unfortunately, things didn't get better in seventh grade. I still ended up losing that group of friends. I never wanted to watch people walk out of my life after I had tried so hard to find them.

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t surrounded by a crowd of friends, or at least that group. I am thankful for having those friends but I blame the group of friends I was surrounded by at the time. I thank them for always keeping me company and going places, but I mainly thank them for the confidence they gave me. However, I blame them for leading me into thinking that what they were encouraging me to do was the right thing, but they aren’t the only ones to blame. I am as much to blame for my actions. If I was in need of friends I should’ve looked elsewhere. I could’ve been friendly, helpful, and positive.

My past actions have forever changed me. My past actions are in my files. My past actions continue to follow and creep up on me. However, my past decisions do not define me.

© Marilin. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.