I come from a family that cares a lot about education, so putting pressure on myself is something that I was bound to do. I’ve done this throughout my entire life, and it affected my mental health–particularly all three years of middle school–and I can say that it’s not the best thing to do, schoolwise or in general.

I saw this problem increasing year after year as I got older. School got more difficult because of how hard I was on myself. I had set very high expectations. Nothing I did seemed to fit the “perfect child” description. I would point out everything bad that I did and try to change it as much as I could–for instance, if my grade would drop by a few points. Academic validation was the only thing that I cared about. Some might view this as a good thing, but in my case it really wasn’t. Each year, I made sure to have straight A’s and a good reputation. Anything below a 90 was unsatisfactory. With this mindset, it was very hard to achieve things. When I couldn't reach this goal, I would absolutely fall apart. I couldn’t accept failure, which in this case was getting a B. I wasn’t used to the fact of not receiving an A. Many things crossed my mind. I remember thinking, “Maybe if I tried harder,” “This isn’t like me,” or, “My parents are going to be so disappointed in me.” This affected my state of mind in such a negative way. One grade impacted my entire mood. I would lose motivation and not want to do anything anymore. This didn’t just affect my grades, but my personal life as well. My favorite things to do turned into things that felt like tasks. If I couldn’t do one thing, then I might as well not do anything.

This cycle continued for a long period until COVID occurred. The pandemic actually helped me in so many unexpected ways. Once I found myself getting mentally tired, it made me realize that how I viewed myself needed to change. I took quarantine as the time to truly self-reflect and figure out how I could improve my mental health and overall mindset. I was able to see all the things that made me set very high expectations for myself. I figured out that I cared a lot about other people’s opinions of me and the way I was perceived. Once I was able to realize that the only opinion that mattered was my own, I started to see myself slowly improving.

I first tried doing the things I loved to do again, which included painting, playing the violin, and getting into sports, since I missed that. Once my love for these things returned, I was able to see that I could do my schoolwork without putting an immense amount of pressure on myself. I was able to accept failure in a positive manner and improve myself in a much healthier way as well. This made such an impact in my life. Even though having that negative mindset may have affected me for a while, I do not regret it happening. I was able to learn from my mistakes and change them. I sometimes find myself still struggling with the pressure of this problem, but I now have the tools to overcome it thanks to the pandemic and the time that came with it, which I used to focus on myself.

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