I was a kid who played therapist for my friends, doing my best to help and solve their problems. It started out with just simple stuff: someone has a problem, and I have a solution. Here you go; now I feel better about myself for helping. One of the people I did this most for was Clara. She had the whole shebang of mental health, depression, anxiety–the works. We were close and good friends and we texted often and called more after school. I was relatively unskilled at helping friends like I did, due to both my lack of experience and my lack of any psychological training. Most of the time it was just instinct: say this, do that, be a reassuring friend and don’t mess up–you have a life in your hands. Clara and I had a good relationship but it kinda fizzled out just because she had to move and I didn’t have a phone or any way to contact them, normal life stuff.

I have no clue why I counseled my friends like this, just an instinctual need to help those I care for, I'm guessing, or high empathy and just not liking to see people in physical or mental pain. It’s not like I feel that pain, but just seeing it makes me want to help. This is a trait that’s in both my Ma and Dad, so chalk up one point to nature.

This had detrimental effects on my mental health in the long run. Later, I was given help by a close friend of mine, Jace, who was very similar to myself. The advice he gave me was simple but powerful just hearing it: Don’t put yourself on the line. If the other person is in danger, tell an adult, but more importantly don’t put your own mental health on the line because in the end everyone's going to get hurt if you do. You can't handle that constant stress, because no one should be able to take that, and eventually you'll mess up. As a result of this message, I drastically improved my mental health, but some of the damage was already done. For example, sometimes I have trouble with actually feeling and recognizing my emotions. It is a subconscious self-defense mechanism; you can't panic if you can't feel it. A second defense mechanism I use is my sense of humor. I laugh at certain things and make dark and goofy jokes just because it makes me feel better. If I have to pick between panicking or just being goofy, being goofy makes life a lot easier for me. It sets people more at ease around me because I’m smiling, and it reassures them that it’s all good, so it can be an effective way to keep people calm. It is just more enjoyable to always be looking on the bright side. Although I might seem ditzy most of the time, the jokes and stuff are me being analytical about those around me, and the jokes represent a million different reasons for all the random stuff I say. It's all just a learning experience, man–I just gotta learn and keep pushing.

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