I try to act like a normal teenager, but I can’t escape my past. During the last Halloween, I spotted a family in matching costumes. I jokingly turned to my cousin and said, “Oh how I wish I had a ‘normal’ family to do that with. Jk.” I act like it does not matter, but it does. Growing up was tough. When I was five, my grandma died. She was a big part of my life, she was my protector who gave me unconditional love. After she died, everything came crashing down.

My mom left when I was just a baby. She only came around when she needed money. My mom would ignore my brother and me when she visited the house. When she wanted to see us, my brother didn't want to see her so it made me feel like I had to pick a side. I ended up choosing my brother because I love and respect my brother. My mom acted like all that she did was forgivable; she left emotional scars. She did a little but it affected us a lot. My mom hurt me, but I act like it does not matter.

My dad never really got along with my mom. They tried to make it work but it never did. My grandma's death changed my dad for the worse. He kicked my aunts out of the home we were all living in. I thought they left me without saying a word. I blamed them for the longest time but I realized that it wasn't their fault. My dad had his way of loving my brother and me. His way of loving was rough which eventually led to my brother and I being moved to a foster home for three years. It made me feel like no one loved me enough to fight for me to stay home. It pained me to hear my dad tell the social workers to take us away. I didn't feel loved, and I also felt like everything that happened was because of me, but I act like it does not matter.

My life felt like a maze that I could not get out of, every corner was blocked. Luckily, I was finally able to escape. My aunts took me in and acted like my mothers. They gave me all the love that my mom didn't give me. They love me as my grandma loved me. I am forever thankful for my tia, my mamma, and my cousins who love me unconditionally. My life has been chaotic. However, the thing that keeps me going is the promise I made to my grandma. I told my grandma that she would see me walk on the stage when I graduated. Although she will not be there, I will keep the promise I made to her. I will graduate from high school and college.

Looking back, I realize that I am not alone and that there are people that are there for me, but it does not fill the void I have after the death of my grandma and my mom’s absence. I don't really like talking about my past because it brings out so many bad memories, but the past is in the past and the future is yet to come so I live in the now. If I don't let go of the past, it will always be there to remind me of what happened. I can now recognize that although I try to act like it does not matter, it does matter. Some people do care about what I went through and what I’m going through. Saying it didn't matter was just an easy way to get out of the conversation and distract me from what I was feeling inside. I’ve learned that it's okay to show emotions. It's not easy but I’m working on it because I matter.

© Sheila. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.