Growing up, my friends never seemed to worry if they would still have a home the next morning, or if they'd have enough food for the week. I never had great childhood memories: two loving parents, trips to Disney World. I’ve never been able to relate to friends when they say how badly they want to be a little kid again.

I never understood how my living situation was not typical until I was 10. One night I had two friends over. My mom had recently kicked her abusive boyfriend out. While we were asleep we heard banging on the windows and screaming. Eventually my mom got him to leave. I was extremely embarrassed. I was afraid that my friends would tell everyone at school.

Growing up I was always a mommy's girl, but my mom wasn't stable: emotionally or physically. My parents love me and I know that, but I’ve had to grow up quickly and be a parent for my siblings. I have lived in and out of foster homes since I was 5. Every time I was taken away, I tried to live with my mom again. I was always trying to make me her main priority.

One day during school, DCF took me away. I was in 4th grade. I had not expected this, I was disappointed in my mother for letting things get this far. My siblings and I were split up. I had gotten used to feeding my siblings, and rocking them to sleep. I was distressed not knowing where they were or how they were.

Days later I moved in with my father. I was ecstatic. I thought this was an opportunity to get close with him, have that relationship I always wanted. Unfortunately, I was extremely disappointed. I lived with my father, and his new family for a year. Then with my grandmother for a summer. Then back with my dad for 6th grade.  He would leave me to stay with a family friend, while he stayed with his girlfriend. In 7th grade, DCF took me again. I felt like I was in a never ending cycle. It felt like I wasn’t my parents' priority. I was so embarrassed I would repeatedly lie to my friends.

I went with foster parents. Living with foster parents comes with the fear of not knowing what you can and can't say or can and can’t do. It's like walking on eggshells.You're afraid of making them mad, and because you’re not their child it’s easy for them to get rid of you.

I still wanted to live with my mother. I hated when she was alone. I felt I could protect her. In February of 2020, I was living with her and my new little brother. She was sober, we had a home. She seemed to have been working really hard. I was proud. But then COVID hit. My mental health went downhill. I slept until 6 pm, I wasn't attending online school, and I wasn't receiving any help. As I got better, my mom got worse. There was little food. Just four months later, I got taken away again.  For a time I returned to live with the same foster parents I had lived with prior. But I wasn't happy there. I felt like I was in a cage, as though the beginning of my teenage years were taken away from me. I wasn't allowed to see or contact my parents without supervision. It felt like nobody was listening to me and my mental health spiraled. Soon after, my foster parents told DCF they no longer wanted me.

In March of 2021, I finally got a new foster parent. Although it meant new schools, new environments, and new friends, I was excited. And even though I still have the constant fear of saying the wrong thing or doing something wrong, my mental health got better. My foster father allows me to be a teen. I'm able to make decisions for myself, and he never makes me feel judged. I have now lived with my foster father for two years, and he has legal guardianship of me. Because of my foster father I have never been as happy as I am now.

All of this trauma has played a huge part in who I am today. It took me a long time to realize that these incidents were not my fault. Not only that, but I am no longer embarrassed by these experiences. They are part of what makes me who I am.

© Raelynn. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.