Since I was a kid, I never felt like I had my own voice nor did I live my own life. While growing up, I was not allowed to be jumping around or being loud. I was a girl so I had to act more “girly” and not like a “tomboy;” because I was a girl I had to dress in a certain way and always be quiet. “Follow whatever adults tell you to do,” they told me. I felt that I wasn’t good enough nor was I near to being “perfect.” Because of this, I grew up being insecure. I was always quiet and always followed what I was told to do.

At school, I would always be recognized for being the best student and having good conduct. I was never allowed to go out nor join any sports because that would only make me lose focus at school. But I never thought much about it because that was what I thought was right. By the time I was twelve, my classmates started to avoid me, saying harsh things and bullying me because of my high grades. I started to receive the judging eyes of kids who were full of anger toward me.

I reached a point where I did not know what I was feeling. All I knew was that I didn't feel happiness within me. I felt despair, loneliness, and anxiousness. I envied those who seemed to be able to laugh to their heart's contents. I too wanted to feel that happiness, I too wanted to be me and be accepted by others for who I was. I lived in a complete agony that felt inescapable for a thirteen-year-old kid.

At the beginning of my eighth grade, I met a girl. From the very beginning we clicked, we became so close that we started sharing stories of ourselves. But I never told her about how I was feeling deep down. Then one day out of nowhere, she started talking about the same feeling that I had never shared with her. She made me see myself in her. It was as if I was looking at myself in the mirror.

I realized that if I stayed where I was, I was never going to be able to reach the happiness that I wanted to feel. So I decided to start from zero again and come to live with my dad in the United States.

My new goal was to find myself. It wasn’t an easy task. I was seeking things that would tell me more about myself. I knew that I had to give myself time and take everything slowly without feeling pressured. I started going outside for walks, I remember the breeze going around my body, it made me feel so refreshed. Visiting new places, particularly in nature, made my soul feel at peace. I started reading books, but this time they weren’t math or history books, they were books that I picked and wanted to read. Suddenly, eating foods I used to eat before became so delicious.

I was getting to know the new me that had been hidden for so long but now was out and free. Eventually, I was able to laugh even at the simplest things. I started living in my own world and I no longer cared about what others would say to me. All my attention was on me and no one else. I don’t regret living the life that I used to live before nor all the things that I went through. That is my past. All of the things that I went through are what made me who I am now.

Now I can assure myself that I will never lose myself again. After a long time, it became so natural for me to see all my reactions and my emotions flowing within me. I understood that the one person that I needed to be accepted by was me and only me.

© Vanessa. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.