7th grade was when I began to care more about how I was thought of by other people. I began to care more about how I was viewed by my friends. I began to care more about outward opinions more than myself.

At school, I hung around people who were “known.” People who hung out often outside of school, people who made me look good. Hanging out with these people was fun and entertaining, but in reality, it wasn’t adding much to my life. This group I was hanging out with never benefited me other than being there for me when I needed someone to talk to or when there was drama in school. I stayed around these people to have a group.

Whether it was a school project, a field trip, or a birthday party, I knew I could call on this group instead of being alone. I was so obsessed with the “friend group” image that I completely lost touch of who I was. I decided that changing who I was and settling for less was more important than anything else. It was important just to fit in and have as many friends as possible. At the time, it was quantity over quality. I couldn’t care less about people treating me differently, as long as I could call them my friend, I was okay. I completely let go of my morals.

But often, I would think back to 5th grade. I had been new to my middle school, but I quickly made friends. This was because I was true to myself and I saw people as who they were, no matter what other people thought of them. These people were friendly and welcoming, and helped me get involved in school. This also helped me create genuine friendships and learn more about myself as well as the people around me. This group of friends made me happy with who I was and the support system I had. I enjoyed spending time with them everyday. But as middle school progressed, friends left school and classes changed, everything changed.

Quarantine and COVID-19 hit when I was in 8th grade. I finally got time to think back to my middle school experience, knowing that after COVID entered my life, middle school was essentially over. While thinking back I realized that my 7th grade self was trying to recreate what I had in 5th grade. I realized that after people moved away, changed schools, and grew apart from each other, things would never be the same. But that's what had made me uncomfortable. That's what made me throw away my standards, just to try to recreate something that was already over. I realized how much time and effort I had put into being good enough for people that would never put the same effort into me. Part of the reason why I hung out with these people was because I wasn’t comfortable being alone with myself yet. I couldn't stand the thought of not having the friends and memories I had in 5th grade. I couldn't accept the fact that people change and things change.

Being away from school helped me notice who my real friends were. The lack of texts and check ups during those first months of COVID from my supposed friends at school told me that these weren’t really my friends. It opened my eyes to what being alone for a while can do to a person and also how much I never needed the people I swore were my closest friends at that moment in my life.

Now, I feel like having a balance between a good amount of friends and time alone is essential. The two are equally as important. Now I understand the importance of “quality over quantity.” Having 10-15 close friends is cool, but are they really your close friends? That's a question my 7th grade self would struggle to answer. Being in my junior year of high school now, I know: less is more. I feel more comfortable knowing despite the amount of friends I have now, I have 2-3 authentic people who I can count on.

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