When I entered Lower School, it seemed like every one of my friends either had an American Girl doll, Rainbow Looms, or Jolly Ranchers brought back by classmates who traveled to America over summer break. I didn’t own any of those things. So when I went back to Canada during the summer and spotted an American Girl store, I immediately told my parents I wanted an American Girl doll. We spent a lot of time looking specifically for a doll that had black hair and black eyes, so it would resemble my physical appearance. I ended up finding a doll with similar-colored hair and even bought matching clothes for both me and the doll, just so I could look similar to the doll. I would bring the doll to show my friends since they did the same thing; however, when I was at home, I didn’t touch the doll or play with it. As time passed, the doll gradually faded from sight and was relocated to a corner in my room, where it lay forgotten, like papers from the previous semester that were not needed anymore.

I remember always feeling like I was stuck between two worlds. At home, I wasn’t allowed to speak English, the language I use at school to communicate with my friends and teachers. If my mom caught me speaking English, she made us slap ourselves on the mouth as a sort of punishment. As my Mandarin got worse, I was forced to read Chinese books, write and learn poems, and attend Mandarin classes just so I wouldn’t lose my heritage and language.

Once, I was out with my friends at a local restaurant in Taiwan. I couldn’t help but feel like an outsider in the restaurant, though, with my inability to read the menu in the restaurant. My friends who were fluent in Mandarin appeared at ease as they looked at the menu, however, I could feel my frustration rising as I struggled to make sense of the characters, which appeared to be nothing more than indecipherable scribbles. The sounds of sizzling and simmering from the open kitchen, combined with the soft murmur of conversations from my friends trying to order, added pressure. I could feel my heart racing as I began to panic, wondering if I would ever be able to order anything to eat.

The more I struggled to read the menu, the more self-conscious I became as I felt like everyone’s attention was on me for being unable to do something that to them, was a basic task. In the end, I had to rely on Google Translate and my friends to read the menu, which ended up leaving me rather embarrassed. I realized that I had prioritized speaking English and fitting in with my classmates and was neglecting my own cultural background.

Since then, I've made an effort to reconnect with my heritage. I've even started to voluntarily study Mandarin on my own, something that I have been resisting since my mom used to always force it on me. Through this, my Mandarin skills have gradually been improving.

Just as I realized the importance of embracing my own cultural identity, I also realized that my desire for an American Girl doll was rooted in a desire to fit in with my peers. Giving up the doll allowed me to let go of that need to conform and instead focus on embracing my heritage. While it's natural to want to fit in with our peers, we should never sacrifice our cultural identity or self-worth in the process since that is what makes them unique, just like the distinct flavors of Jolly Rancher candies that come with its own unique tastes.

© Ashley. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.